Kids in Public

There are some places that are clearly kids territory out in public and obviously some that aren't. The most controversial are the places where it is in the eye of the beholder about who belongs where.

We were at Dave and Busters a couple of weeks ago for my niece's birthday party. On this Saturday morning it was a sea of kids four feet tall and under and two single guys had the misfortune to be sharing a ball return with a bunch of five to seven year old girls. I don't know why they stayed when they saw they had entered birthday party central; maybe they were pedophiles or just socially inept.

During the party, one little girl made the mistake of walking in front of one of the men and was going to use his lane, but I stopped her. At this point the guy lost it and was telling me to watch the kids and whined "but they are using my ball".

"I was watching them. Did you notice the little girl's ball didn't go down your lane? As for your ball, there are 15 other kids here, I am not going to pay attention to which color ball each of them use" was my reply. I wasn't about to back down for this masochist who was seriously in the wrong place.

And then there are the times I am in the wrong place. Last summer we did a road trip to San Francisco for one of M's triathlons. On the way back we spent a few days in Monterey. Not wanting the eat every meal for a week in a restaurant where "do you want fries with that?" is standard I consulted a tour book that said there was a seafood restaurant that although it had linen table clothes, kids were welcome. Obviously the person at the restaurant who submitted it's kid friendly listing to this guide book failed to pass the information onto the rest of the staff.

I made a reservation and when we arrived there was a look of horror on the hostess's face. We were promptly seated next to the kitchen even though the restaurant was nearly empty. The food was exquisite and they did have a high chair that they probably dug out of storage and were eventually able to find some crayons and children's menus, but there was definitely an air that we weren't wanted there. They still took our money and the next day we found the strip of family friendly restaurants closer to the aquarium.

I went to the FBR Open with the kids this week. There are two distinct groups that go to the Open- those that are golf fans and those that people watch. If you are there to people watch, I would be considered insane for bringing a 5 and 3 year old to the Open and have overheard such opinions.

I bring the kids to watch a sport that I have played for years and understand. It is easier to watch the golf without the kids, but I would have missed out on Phil Mickelson giving my daughter his ball after he made a birdie putt on the 17th green a couple of years ago. The single me would not understand the mom in sneakers pushing a stroller at the Open, but she never made a memory like that or ever got such a prized souvenir.

And just maybe it isn't a publicity stunt for the players to give kids their golf balls. Maybe they want to share their love of golf with the people who are there to actually watch the game.

Making Wishes

There is a genie on my shoulder, it is very powerful and grants the wishes I speak. Of course not everything I say is good, but it comes to life whether I want it to or not.

Less than two weeks ago M had an auditor at his work that had pick eye, when he told me I said I would rather have the flu than pink eye. Guess what, now we have the flu and I got to catch K's puke in my hands at Fry's on Wednesday. I am so thankful grocery stores have bleach wipes at our disposal. Anyway the flu is working its way through our family and I got to wake up to puke in my daughter's bed and laundry at 3:30 in the morning.

My genie does not have the self godlike power that Tony Robbins sells telling people they can be rich and powerful beyond their imagination by "changing limited beliefs" when he doesn't know squat about their talents. My genie and my words are more powerful than Tony Robbins to my family though because I know their strengths and see and attend to their needs daily.

When my kids are being kids and I say they are driving me up a wall. My genie grants my wish and my kids keep driving me up a wall unless I take a step back and look at the big picture. Have I been to preoccupied with chores or work? Do they need some of me or a change or scenery? Odds are if I play with them and have a tea party, dance with them or read them a book or five and then lock them outside, I can eventually get back to what I want to accomplish.

The genie also has amazing powers over my marriage. M is smart, funny, and very perceptive. He can also send me to the moon sometimes because he is so driven. Don't get me wrong I totally respect and admire his drive and what he has accomplished in his career and how he provides for our family, but his drive doesn't stop there, M does Ironmans. If you don't know what that is, it is a triathlon where people swim 2.4 mi., bike 112 mi. and run 26.2 mi. Ironman is not just a day, it is a lifestyle for the entire family. Needless to say how I react to M's countless hours of training is powerful and sets the tone for our family.

I am also mindful that my family take to heart the wishes I make. Part of our bedtime prayer is also a wish the genie hears, "Thank you for our friends and family. Help us to see each other as precious and be kind and generous to one another." It is somewhat amusing to hear my 3 yo tell his big sister to be "kind and generous" as he tries to negotiate with P while they play together.

Do you have a genie? If so, don’t' even whisper the word flu.

My Unhappiest Place on Earth

You know the store if you have a kid in your life. I hate it and with just call it Multiple Layers of Hell R Us (MLOHRU). I rarely go there and it is even less likely that I will bring my kids there.

1. Their cashiers are slower than snails and usually there is only one lane available.

2. Returns. You must have a receipt and even then if you have a gift receipt you get store credit.

3. In my opinion they misrepresent their sales items when they put the sale price next to the display which includes everything and really they are only selling the shell of the item when the everything item is also for sale but not at the sale price right next to it.

4. Bringing my kids to the store is a nightmare. I don't know if it the shear volume of toys or if the store pipes mind altering gases through the a/c but my kids get a huge case of the "give mes" and "I wants" more often than not. I suspect it is the later given that we can get through any other store, gift shop or stand selling cr*p without any major incident when I say no and fail to make their desired purchase whether we are at home or traveling. This is ultimately what drives me up a wall. I used to witness kids leaving the Disney Store screaming even before I had kids and called that store the unhappiest place on earth. Now MLOHRU is my unhappiest place on earth.

With Christmas we received and even bought items from MLOHRU. Unfortunately P got a HSM doll whose arm fell off when she undressed it and K had a motorized Thomas train break after two weeks. I blame the manufacturers for the defects, but unfortunately I have to deal with MLOHRU and their return policy. Receipts are non existent so I went to the store with K to buy replacements with the intention of just swapping out the broken toys this week.

Neither item was in stock and since we were already in the Thomas section K started asking for everything. Fortunately he was saying he wanted if for Christmas, so it wasn't an immediate purchase he was planning. Then he started pulling stuff on the shelves saying he was going to buy it. I said "No." That caused the tears and melt down I dread and why we don't frequent MLOHRU.

K looked at the other trains available. Since he knew we were coming to buy him a new train, I did relent and say he could pick one today or wait for the motorized train he wanted. Somehow his three year old mind he understood the concept of delayed gratification and chose to wait. That was a proud moment and we walked out of the store without making a purchase.

There are at least two more visit to MLOHRU to replace and then return the broken toys. I hope I can remember that it is more than a toy store and an opportunity to teach my children that while we will always take care of their needs, their wants will not always be met immediately. Of course, I only have to remember that lesson if I bring them into MLOHRU.

Comments from the Kids 2008

When asked if he is cute, K says "I am a kid. I grew out of being cute."

K woke up with an ear ache one morning and asked:"Can we take my ear to the doctor?"

K was mad and said: "I'm going to tell on you."
To which I replied: "Who are you going to tell?"
K's response: "You."

K: Did you look in the mirror? You got a hair cut.
Aunt V: Yes.
This conversation was repeated a few times.

P's explanation of reproduction to K
P: Did you know mommy has eggs that cracked open and then we came out of her tummy?

M or I: K do you want your hair washed?
K: No, maybe next time.

P: How do you make a flower bed? Do you put a mattress in it?

P told her Aunt N while she was reprimanding her kids that "If you twirl, you would be happier."

After M's Ironman in April, K got up the next morning and said " I crossed finish line, where's my gold necklace?"

Preparing for Every Needful Thing

Growing up in Arizona I learned about food storage from our Mormon neighbors. I know all about the three month supply and stashing food all over the house for long term storage. Who doesn't need a 10lb bag of sugar behind their couch or jars of marinara sauce and baked beans in their bedroom closets?

I humbly submit what is really going to matter in the case of a bird flu epidemic, etc. when I am quarantined and trapped inside my house with my family 24/7 eating Hormel chili for the 10th time in one week and sprouting broccoli seeds: alcohol.

By lack of consumption at my husband's 40th birthday party we are now well prepared to take on whatever "sh*t hits the fan" scenario with plenty of garlic stuffed olives to spare. This shelving unit which most Mormons would stock with food in our house is stocked with alcohol. It is a little bonus that will make life tolerable and tide us over after all the play dough has dried out and we attempt to entertain the kids with a third of a deck of High School Musical UNO cards.

We also have two refrigerators for various beverages that are usually stocked and bar which has my husband's cognacs and Scotches-one of which smells like something that came out of the sewer. How Laphroiag sells and why he drinks something that smells that bad, I'll never know, but I digress.

I'm just hoping the electricity stays on so the ice machine works. Oh and I better plant a lemon and lime tree so I can have my cocktail with a twist. I'm going to need it as I figure out how to grind and use the 50 lbs of wheat that is stashed in the guest closet.